Real talk for a hot minute.
I haven’t felt like myself for weeks. As in, I’ve felt really…out of balance. Off kilter. Out of whack.
Like an imposter in my own body.
And I knew why - everything has been changing at lightning speed.
Like, EVERYTHING has been changing.
My businesses, my kiddos, my relationships, my friends, my life, my creativity, my body - EVERYTHING.
And it's been changing so fast, thanks to my own efforts, I didn't even see whether or not I was keeping up with it all.
Some of it I saw, recognised, and facilitated. Actually, I was in control of most of it, except my kiddos - those two are just growing crazy fast into the most incredibly respectable young men (SO goddamn proud of them).
When you take control of your own life, and I mean REALLY take control and flip that mutha upside down, it can be a teensy bit overwhelming.
Because humans - *cough* most humans *cough* - aren't prepared to recognise they have THAT MUCH control and power over themselves.
Actually, we have that much control and power all the freaking time, but most of us rarely even realise it.
Anyway, a couple of changes which happened recently which smacked really hard, were my friends circles, and my body. Both were completely expected, given the amount of work I've been doing on myself. I'm always wanting to make sure I'm evolving, and that means things need to evolve with me to keep moving forward.
That means if I don't feel right in a particular circle of people, or that I no longer connect with the people around me, then I will move on.
(Hey, while I remember, you should go and read/listen to The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. It's AMAZING for working through stuff like this, and it's one of my fave books ever which I regularly return to.)
I silently said goodbye to some friendships I've had for a few years, but which I realised were actually more painful and exhausting, than joyful and nourishing.
I also mourned the "anniversary" passing of one of my best friends on the entire planet who was also my first love, a personal cheerleader, and inspirational cello buddy. Which unfortunately coincided with the death of another brilliant friend (and client) who was really kinda brilliant and helped keep me alive for a while. (Both cancer. Fvck cancer).
I muted myself from a beautiful and tiny ND coaching group, where they were all super amazing but I didn't feel like I resonated with their experiences any more.
I stopped showing up in places which only came to life if I brought my own energy - that feels a little vampiric, and VERY exhausting.
And I tuned back into remembering WHO I AM. Present Day Jay, and not 5 Years Ago Jay.
This meant chopping my 15 year old dreadlocks to shoulder length, feeling panicky a LOT, sad a bit, and then reasonably relieved.
And then saying fvck it and removing them completely.
No, I did not take photos of the weird, floofy and broken afro. That was for me to experience, and I liked it, and then I remembered how much I fvcking love having extensions. So Scotty McFitty and I bought some whilst we were celebrating our 4 year anniversary in Bristol. I put them in over about 4 hours, and omfg I swear I felt like I found myself again. (I know why, I know what happened, and that's another story.)
I saw that I didn't want to show up anywhere, and I didn't want to do anything, and that was OK.
I've transitioned so much, so drastically over the last 2 years, and it's been a whirlwind. It's been amazing. It's been brilliant. I've levelled up in ways I couldn't possibly imagine, achieved things which MANY people said to me - directly to my face, I might add - were going to be impossible and that I should just give up.
Holy sh!t...can you imagine if I'd just given up? I wouldn't be here, today, demonstrating to you what's available for you, too. I wouldn't be here cheering you on, reminding you that you can change yourself as many times as you like, transition to new scenarios as often as you need, experiement all the time, and LOVE OR HATE EVERY MINUTE OF IT (plus a world of emotions in between).
Who the hell am I? I'm whoever the hell I want to be, whenever and wherever I want to be.
THAT feels kinda freaking amazing.
Who the hell are you today? Let me know how you're doing in the comments below. <3
See you soon,
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